i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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