just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
