What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
