i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
