i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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