goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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