my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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