I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
