Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
