Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
