You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
