Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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