I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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