Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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