Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You dont lie about slip and slides
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
