he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
