it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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