this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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