I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
