96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
