the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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