I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
