Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
