Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
