i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
