I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
