You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
