Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
