I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We named our party play list daddy issues
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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