Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
