woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
