You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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