My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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