Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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