I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
