On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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