I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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