I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
