You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
