so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
