Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
