this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
