I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
