That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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