her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
