He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
