Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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