This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
