I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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