mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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