my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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