tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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