Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
